That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
