we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
