Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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