maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
