Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize