ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
