I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
