There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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