and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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