i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
