im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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