I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
