So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
