I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
