I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
