fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
