Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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