i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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