take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
