Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
