ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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