i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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