Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
