my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Shame - the story of my life.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
