He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
