Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
