I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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