Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
