I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
