Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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