the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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