I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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