i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
