I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
