i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
This house was built for laser tag.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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