i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize