Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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