Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
