I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
