Already got asked if we're dating
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
