we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
