So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
