he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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