I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
zippers are such a cool invention
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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