Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
