Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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