He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
