I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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