I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
