I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Found your dick twin last night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
