Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
