Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
