dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
