if you like me you must not know who I am
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
