Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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