I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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