The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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