When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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