not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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