He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
