Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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