dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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