Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
