i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
