Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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