you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
