i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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