she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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