She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize